Love Bombing and Targeted Flattery
Effective flattery is not generic. It is aimed precisely where you are least confident.
12 minutes to read
Not compliments
Love bombing is not a lot of compliments. It is accurate compliments, aimed exactly where you are least sure of yourself.
An operator will spend the early conversation fishing - asking what people misunderstand about you, what you wish someone noticed, what you are proud of that nobody sees. Then they praise precisely there. The result does not feel like flattery. It feels like being finally, properly seen.
Why that specific mechanism
Being seen accurately is one of the strongest social experiences there is. Generic flattery bounces off most adults. Flattery that lands on the exact insecurity you have carried for twenty years does not feel like flattery at all - it feels like recognition, and recognition creates enormous trust very quickly.
The tell
Ask yourself what they are basing it on.
If someone praises your kindness after you have done something kind, that is observation. If they praise your kindness in week one, before you have had the chance to demonstrate it, they are describing a template rather than you. The words are about you. The evidence is missing.
What to do
Notice the questions before the praise. A conversation that mines for insecurities and then addresses them is running a process, not having a chat.
And note that being susceptible to this is not a flaw. Wanting to be understood is not naivety. It is the most ordinary thing about people, which is precisely why it is the thing that gets exploited.
What to carry out of this
- Effective flattery targets your specific insecurity, not general qualities
- Check what evidence the praise is based on - usually none
- Wanting to be understood is normal, not a weakness
Tactics covered